STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
why does every cop we meet know your name?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
