I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
