you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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