I just threw up on my dentist
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
