So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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