I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
