I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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