yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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