I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
