so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
There's even glitter on my cock...
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