im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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