The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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