I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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