Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
