no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Randomize
