I faked an abortion last night.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
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