Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
