I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
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