Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Randomize
