yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
