DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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