i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
You are the jesus of drinking
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
