You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
