I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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