Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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