It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
