dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
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