I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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