Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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