I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
