census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
