I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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