do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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