Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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