I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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