How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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