dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
