That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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