He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
