Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Randomize
