At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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