Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
