I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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