I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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