I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
