i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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