Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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