my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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