her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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