just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
