I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Randomize
