We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
