By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
